You Can Pay An Insane Amount Of Money To Get Into A Good Sorority If You’re Ugly & Boring

Ahhh… sorority rush. The one time of year where a bunch of fake af basic betches recruit a bunch of younger, newer fake af basic betches to pay to be their friend. The only problem is if you’re ugly or stupid or or poor or have the personality of a fucking brick wall, you’re pretty much SOL. Especially those first three because god knows all they really care about is you being hot, sitting next to a nerd all through high school having a good GPA, and what your dad’s bank account looks like. But don’t worry. If any of that describes you, we’re here to make your shitty-ass Wednesday better and tell you about sorority rush consultants aka middle-aged women who you can pay to help you become a college version of a Stepford wife. Lucky you!

did a whole write up on the mysterious life of these rush consultants, and tbh, I can’t tell if their take is “holy fuck this is terrifying” or “yippee what a brill idea.” But I’m here to say that this is the thirstiest, most pathetic shit I’ve heard in my whole life. And while I read the entire thing in all its glory, I’m taking a bullet for you betches and just breaking down the most important parts to save you both time and brain cells. I accept both cash and wine as forms of payment as a sign of your gratitude. Oh, and the asterisks mean the girls’ names were changed to prevent further hazing for paying someone to make them cool.

Not from the South?!?! THE HORROR! As a person from the South who was in a sorority at an SEC school, I can tell you that no one gives a flying fuck if you’re from the South or not. It’s not like northerners or westerners are fucking lepers or something. And wtf is a rush consultant do about that? Forge your birth certificate. Fucking doubt it.

First of all, I wouldn’t take sorority advice from a woman named Pat. Sorry. But that’s just a fact. Second of all, of course this shit it based out of Birmingham. And third of all, “one of the most important aspects of higher education”? Are you serious? I’m all for getting shitfaced and dressing like a slutty highlighter for a neon-themed mixer but I wouldn’t exactly describe that as “one of the most important aspects of higher education” for women. But thanks for your opinion, Pat.

Wow. There’s so much bullshit here I can barely fucking breathe. Did I miss the part where dancing with other girls, hanging out with guys who aren’t your boyfriend, and wearing bikinis aren’t pretty much the only thing sororities do? I can honestly say in the four years I was in college all I did was dance like a hoe with my friends, hang out with fuckboys without being their girlfriend, and skip class to go to the pool in the smallest bathing suit I could find. Who fucking cares? Are these people trying to join a sorority or a convent? PLEASE ADVISE, PAT. And god forbid a good Southern girl care about politics. Or have opinions of any kind, for that matter. There are more important things a sorority sister should focus on—you know, like contouring and shopping and husband hunting. Obvi.

Let me start by saying, I personally do not believe cowboy boots are ever a good wardrobe choice. Like, are you hear to rally the cows or fucking drink? But I digress because there’s a bigger issue. If by “meet what’s expected” you mean “wear fucking Lilly Pulitzer like a massive toddler on Easter,” that’s gonna have to be a hard pass from me, dawg. And idk where sorority girls get off telling people to cover up. Have you gone through your Explore page on Insta recently? It’s pretty much boobs and labia and sorority hand signs. So excuse the fuck out of me for showing my back.

$1,500 for texting someone a few times about what to wear for rush? Of course it’s not for the money! Pat is practically a philanthropist. Idk if you heard, but she’s actually being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

Hey “Sarah”, here’s some fucking advice. Say whatever you wanna say. You are literally determining what group of girls are to haze and judge tf out of you be your friends so if shit’s awkward, they’re probs not the right house for you. Is that not fucking obvious?

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